I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
