There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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