How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
