just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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