oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
