My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
