I wish I could punch you in the face.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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