I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize