Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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