Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
