so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
