I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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