"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
