I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
