if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
