we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Also, beer. Big fan.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
