using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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