If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
