My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
