sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
