I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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