Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
