i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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