Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
