T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
