i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
