So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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