when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
