My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
pray to the hookup gods
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
