I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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