You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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