Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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