it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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