we have pet lesbian snakes
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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