if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
