i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
