im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
