There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
