there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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