my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
