Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
