Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
It was confusing and full of hummus
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
