no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
