You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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