and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
