I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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