Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
