I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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