I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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