I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
