i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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