There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
