Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
