This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
