She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
