Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
