I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I wish I only lived at night.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize